A Truly Happy Birthday for Me

by Alan Balter
(Northbrook, Illinois)

A Truly Happy Birthday for Me

Happy birthday to me; I’m quite an old dude
An eighty year old chap with an attitude
Things are malfunctioning from my toes to my head
And most of my doctors are already dead

At age 40, I got diabetes and basal cell carcinoma
Bursitis in my hips and a touch of glaucoma
Throw in an advanced case of cataracts
That almost stopped me right in my tracks

At 50, it was irritable bowel syndrome, a chronic disorder
That messed things up down south of the border
Peptic ulcers took hold along with some gout
Aggravating maladies I could have done without

At 60, depression and anxiety entered the mix
Conditions that weren’t’ so easy to fix
Of course prayer will help any time, any where
Thus, I began praying for Medicare

At 70, an MRI showed cervical stenosis
Even with surgery, not a good prognosis
But at least I get a monthly disability check
That helps to ease this pain in the neck

I take so much medication it isn’t funny
All those copayments add up to real money
Someone said supplements might help with curin’
But alas, all I got was expensive urine

My memory has slipped; there is much I’ve forgotten
Thus, my recollection of significant events is rotten
So if you’re pondering my present, don’t make it complex
A happy birthday for me would include some rollicking sex